Last year, I saw quite a few movies at the cinema. I’d wager I saw more than you did. To be fair, I don’t know who you are, but I’d still stick by my bet. To be precise, I saw 208 different films, over 219 screenings. Of course, as per last year, there is only truly one way to mark this accomplishment properly, and that is to write a really bad joke about each and every one.
What follows was a kind of trip into madness for me that has prevented me from being able to write a coherent intro. Just let it be said, I apologise for nothing. Not even the puns. Let the list begin:
Exodus: Gods and Kings: I’d part the red sea to get away from this film.
The Woman of Black: Angel of Death: Exactly the angel the film made me wish for.
The Theory of Everything: I watched it very attentively, with eyes like a Hawk-ing.
Birdman (or): The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance: Birdman, eh? Starring Michael bloody Keaton? It’s a bit like batman, isn’t it?
Taken 3: To Take Taken 3 for Free would be to steal it, meaning that the filmmakers get no money, which would be a fantastic thing to happen considering it’s the worst film I saw all year. And I saw over 200 films.
Into the Woods: If you go Into the Woods today, at least you’re not in the cinema.
Foxcatcher: Everything about this film is, as the kids say, duPont. 👌
American Sniper: Slightly off target.
Testament of Youth: Funny, because it made me feel twenty-five years older.
Wild: A very pedestrian movie.
Whiplash: So good, I shattered my neck in several places and now have to wear a brace.
Ex Machina: An Organically Intelligent Artificial Intelligence movie.
The Gambler: Not worth a punt.
Mortdecai: Morte de Ciné, more like.*
A Most Violent Year: Or as I call it, 2008, where I got in a fight in school for saying Super Mario Galaxy was better than Halo 3.
Big Hero 6: Best of the Big Hero franchise to date. Hahahahhaa.
Son of a Gun: Which is surely just a baby gun?
Kingsman: The Secret Service: Starring Kingspeach Man
Trash: Fittingly named.
Inherent Vice: Because my vice is Paul Thomas Anderson movies.
Shaun the Sheep Movie: Baarilliant.
Jupiter Ascending: Come on. Making a joke about Jupiter Ascending would be like picking on the disabled kid: Fun, but all to easy.
Selma: A film about a Welshman trying to flog his mother to a shop.
Fifty Shades of Grey: Went in expecting something that would help me paint the shed. Came out unsatisfied on several levels.
Peppa Pig and the Golden Boots: I have spoken about this more than enough.
The Wedding Ringer: The Wedding Stinker, more like!
Blackhat: Why wear a hat, colour regardless, when you have hair like Chris Hemsworth?
The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: Aptly named, because it’s the second-to-best Marigold Hotel movie.
Focuyys: Whoops, typo, sorry, I was too busy thinking up a joke about Still Alice.
Project Almanac: A film in which kids build a time traveling Xbox 360, so they can go into the future where it has good games! Also: I travel back to 2007 and steal that joke.
The Boy Next Door: Pulpier than Jarvis Cocker reading Bounce Back by Alan Partridge. Loved it.
It Follows: Corr Blimey guv, I’d follow that Maika Monroe around for eternity or at least until she has the chance to have sex with some dumb wimpy guy.
Chappie got jokes? Chappie gets laughing! Chappie has a really good joke about Still Alice!
Knock knock. Who’s there? A White Bird in a Blizzard. A White Bird in a Blizzard who? A White Bird who doesn’t want to be in a blizzard, open the door, Jesus Christ.
Don’t Kill The Messenger, but this joke is nowhere near as good as my Still Alice one is going to be.
Unfinished Business: Fittingly, they never finished making the film either. Unless they didn’t put any jokes in it deliberately.
Suite Francais: A title that sounds like what a pumped-up Year 9 student would shout after glancing down at their timetable wondering which subject they have next, seeing it’s their favourite -FRENCH!- and punching the air.
Run All Night: To get away from this film!
X+Y: It was released in America as ‘A Brilliant Young Mind‘, which is exactly what it took to come up with the Still Alice joke I’m about to unleash on you.
Still Alice: I’ve forgotten it.
The Gunman: The film’s ideal audience, because they could then kill the people involved in making it.
Insurgent: I see Shaillene Woodley got out of that blizzard in the end. Good on her.
The Spongebob Squarepants Movie: A Sponge Out of Water: There’s a bit in this movie where Matt Berry turns up playing an intergalactic dolphin who really needs a wee. Also, during the film, a mother told me to ‘Piss off’ in front of her four-year-old son. These two facts are funnier than anything I could write.
Home: Where I’d rather be than watching this film at the cinema.
Wild Card: Contains a scene in which Jason Statham kills several people with cutlery, which is, I believe, a requirement in the Palme d’Ors selection policy.
Appropriate Behaviour: I sat in my seat and watched the movie politely, so i hope I lived up to billing.
Cinderella: The best Cinderella movie since Before Midnight.
Get Hard: Get Out.
Seventh Son: Glad I never met the other six.
The Face of an Angel dozed off watching this film.
While We’re Young: Preferred time for this to finish. (Note: This is a joke. While We’re Young is one of the most perfectly-formed, fat-free movies of the year.)
The Water Diviner: Russell Crowe puts a stick in some dusty, unexplored terrain for a few hours and tries to get it wet, just like your dad did.
Furious 7: Who I was sure had a string of hits in the mid-to-late nineties.
John Wick: See above.
Hot Tub Time Machine 2: Borderline unwatchable. What? They didn’t put anything funny in the film, so why should I do it now?
Good Kill: Namely, the writer and director of Hot Tub Time Machine 2.
The Woman in Gold: Philomania is catching on.
The DUFF: Disappointingly not duff. They really set themselves up for that one.
The Salvation: With a cast that makes me do The Salivation.
Amar, Akbar and Tony: Man walks into Amar…
Child 44: My given title until the age of 18.
A Little Chaos: Probably what Alan Rickman had on set, judging by the movie.
Stones for the Rampant: A movie about Polish Jews, which really is asking for an offensive joke if ever I saw one.
The Avengers: Whatever the Age of Ultron, he’s looking good on it. Barely a wrinkle on his skin.
The Falling: Needs more Mark E Smith.
The Good Lie: Ironically, what the marketing types did by pushing this as a Reese Witherspoon movie, when actually she’s barely in it. But it’s good and otherwise nobody would have seen it, so it’s a Good Lie.
The Break-In: The highlight of the movie is a several-minute held wide shot of a bin in the dark.
Moomins on the Riviera: WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME TO A COCKTAIL PARTY?
Les Combattants: Known in America as ‘Love At First Fight‘, which is exactly the pun Verbal Discharge readers expect me to make in this situation.
Listen Up Phillip: Listen up! Listen… He can’t hear me. Never mind.
Timbuktu: I’m so glad we got a sequel so I can finally find out what happened to Tim Buck.
The New Girlfriend: A film with some much hairspray it could cause a hole in the Francois Ozon layer. Ha!
Girlhood: Like Boyhood, but without balls.
Black Coal, Thin Ice: My preferred type of coal, and second-to-favourite type of ice, after Vanilla.
Monsters: Dark Continent: Where I’d rather live than watch this film again.
Anti-Social: mate ur graffiti is so sik you should make a movie telling people how sick it is. yeah bro i should also have you noticed some parts of london are proper bad like.
The Clouds of Sils Maria: Physical clouds, not like the mental clouds that fogged me earlier when trying to remember that joke about Kristen Stewart’s last film, Still Alice.
Unfriended: Robbie Owen Likes this.
Nightmare Code: Clearly all involved had a ‘mare.
Spring: Hopefully a Springboard to great things for all involved! No? Never mind. I liked it a lot.
A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night: Having just been mildly disappointed by this film. Not me, guys, this girl! This hypothetical girl! Who happens to share my opinion…
The Age of Adeline: Aptly titled, because it feels like it goes on for an…
Far From The Madding Crowd: why is there such a crowd of crazy noises made by bells and why is it so far away
Big Game, a Little Disappointing
Top Five: Not in my. Top Five. Movies of the year.
Spooks: The Greater Good: The Greater Good.
Mad Max: Fury Road: WITNESS IT. Because it’s really good.
The first film was Pitch Perfect. Is this Pitch Perfect 2? No. This is not Pitch Perfect too.
I only saw Tomorrowland yesterday. (I didn’t. I saw it in May.)
Poltergeist: One pretty scary scene is not worth the price of admission. Unless entry is free, in which case just remember time is money.
A Royal Night Out is a waste of A Pleb’s Night In.
Danny Collins: Al Pacino does so much cocaine he could almost be, like, Scarface or something.
San Andreas: Again. I’ve done this one.
Man Up: Simon Pegg, Round Hole.
The Connection: It’s in French. So. It’s the French Connection. Literally. It’s a remake. In French.
Search Party: The kind of thing going on in my brain, looking for that Still Alice joke.
Spy: Jason Statham is NOT the best person in the world. Ha! That’s a joke!
Insidious: Chapter Three: Can’t believe they made three movies out of a bit of surgery on Sid Ious.
Survivor: So titled because you feel like youv’e seen things nobody else should ever see after watching it.
Jurassic World: 208 jokes about the 208 films I dinosaur at the cinema last year.
Mr Holmes: In which Sherlock farms bees. Beenedict Cumberbeech. Johnny Bee Miller. Robeert Downy Junibee. Jeremy Breet. Christopher Bee. Beesil Rathbone.
Entourage: French for ‘How long has this tour been going on?’. (If only End of the Tour came out in the UK this year, I could be setting up a really good joke here)
The Longest Ride: A Sparky adaptation.
Slow West: ironically fast-paced.
I saw Minions on the hottest day of the year, and the cinema’s air conditioning was broken. Not the first time I’ve sweated in a room full of kids. (I USED TO BE A BEAVER SCOUT LEADER. I USED TO BE A BEAVER SCOUT LEADER, OFFICER. WE PLAYED DOB.)
The Overnight: I’m writing this joke at 3:51 in the morning, so there’s probably some kind of Overnight joke to be made here.
Knock Knock. Who’s there? A White Bird in a Blizzard.
Magic Mike XXL: Breaking code here. I’m not writing a joke, despite how easy it would be. Magic Mike XXL is one of the best films of the year, and deserves to be seen by a wide audience, especially of straight men. Alright. Back to the jokes. Channing Tatabs.
Amy: Winehouse? What a fitting name! Ha! Ha! I bet that joke’ll still feel clever when I see the second hour of the film!
Second Hand Husband: A knockabout comedy about divorce paperwork! With no jokes! But songs!
Ted 2: Pulpier than Jarvis Cocker reading Bounce Back by Alan Partridge. What? If they can just repeat jokes and call it a new entry in the series, so can I.
Song of the Sea: Think you’re mixing up your senses there, mate. You can’t see a song.
Love & Mercy: A Brian Wilson biopic starring Paul Dano? That Pet Sounds really good!
Self/Less: It would have been more selfless of the producers to never release the film.
The Gallows: A horror movie about a school play, only marginally more horrific than a nativity play story I’ll make James tell on the next podcast.
I saw all of these films in the cinema. True Story.
I’m not Anti-Ant-Man
Inside Out twisted me outside in.
Eden: About a garden of French DJs.
Southpaw: More like Southpoor.
Maggie: A serious terminal illness drama starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. No! Wait! Come back! That isn’t the joke! That isn’t the joke!
The Legend of Barney Thompson: Full of hair-braned schemes! (He’s a barber)
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation: Well they still achieved it anyway.
Mistress America: She should change her name to Greata Gerwig because she’s greater than everyone else.
Max: The Thin Red Colar.
Hot Pursuit: Left me cold.
The Diary of a Teenage Girl: Misleading title. It’s actually a film.
Fantastic 4: I actually kinda liked it, which’ll probably make you laugh more than anything else I could write.
The Gift is a Gift of a movie, and not a Gift like The Gift in The Gift.
Pixels: Pac-Mandatory viewing.
Paper Towns: Or, as I call them, books.
Absolutely Anything to choose from, and yet they only do one joke. Over and over.
The Man From UNCLE: Personally, I’m a Man From MOTHER.
Trainwreck: The best comedy in Appatown.
Strange Magic: A George Lucas movie about fairies who like Echo & The Bunnymen. Strange doesn’t cover it.
The Bad Education Movie is not a Bad Bad Education Movie.
Vacation: I’d take one to get away from these people.
2 Sinister 4 2
Gemma Bovery: FINALLY! A French movie art movie that features those Sainsbury’s Bags for Life with the picture of the elephant on them that I keep crisps in!
We Aren’t Your Friends, Zac. We’d lvoe to be, but we’re not. That’s simply not the case.
Hitman: Agent 47: please assassinate everyone involved mr 47
Straight Outta Compton: Not Arabrilliant Prince, but not Dr Dreadful either.
The Transporter Refuelled: Statham Movies without Statham are the most pointless thing since Any Movies without Statham.
Ricki & The Flash: It’s not any good, but people think it is because they’re Meryl Sheep.
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl with a Cadbury’s Twirl having a whirl at performing a massive hurl of an unopened copy of Pokemon Pearl in a giant curl.
American Ultra: A title that oversteps the mark a few notches.
Irrational Man: Which I irrationally liked.
Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials: Starring Aiden Gillan as A Man Who Does A Thing (I forget what happened in the movie. I think there was a bit with a desert).
My The Visit to the cinema to see The Visit was pleasurable.
No Escape, though boy did I look for one.
Legend: Named after the guide it comes with to tell the size of the two Tom Hardy’s apart.
I wonder who got top Billing in Bill?
A Walk In The Woods: Preferable to A Day At The Cinema.
More climbing movies? Oh give it an Everest
The D-Train: I lost my ticket.
Solace: More like Solpish.
McFarland, USA: More films should work as map directions.
Captive did not have a Captive audience.
Life‘s too short for the movie Life.
I saw The Martian in Cardiff about an hour before an international rugby match, and you’d be surprised which brought showed me more aliens and people who eat potatoes grown in shit.
I saw Macbeth before watching Ireland play an international rugby match. You’d be surprised which showed me more bloodthirsty Celtic bastards.
Regression: We’ve clearly regressed to the point where we don’t need to actually make thrillers thrilling.
The Walk: Though I saw it sitting down.
Suffragette: The kind of film that makes me really proud to be a woman.
Hotel Transylvania 2: Disappointing lack of the cast of Tangerine.
The Intern: Named after the person who wrote the script.
The Program: An Arm-strong performance by Ben Foster.
Sicario: It’s SIC bruv. Want an ARIO?
Maya the Bee Movie: It’s a shame Maya isn’t a fly, because in that case she might have enjoyed being in a pile of shit.
Pan: Universally Panned.
Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension: So called because it’s totally devoid of substance.
The Last Witch Hunter: Based on Vin Diesel’s Dungeons & Dragons character, Notverygood Movieius.
Crimson Peak: Del Torro nowhere near his peak.
Spectre: Die Another Doris Day. Oh I don’t know. It’s a pun. They can’t all be relevant. What more do you want from me?
He Named Me Malala: Well, not me, but he did name Malala Malala. That kinda goes without saying.
Kill Your Friends: I’d better make some first.
Burnt: Jeez, they turned that Paul Walker biopic around quickly.
Brooklyn: Saoirse Ronan’s eyes are more luminous than most lightbulbs and several smaller suns.
The Lobster is an excellent choice.
The Lady in the Van, on the stage, in the book and now in the cinema.
Fathers and Daughters: Russell Crowe as a Pulitzer Prize-winning author. OK then.
Steve Jobs: Straight to the Apple core of the man.
The Hallow is a Hollow experience. Like trees. (It’s about trees)
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay: Part 2: Needs more colons.
The Dressmaker: I’m not going to dress it up. It’s a bonkers film.
Black Mass: More like… Black Mess! (It’s not that bad)
The Perfect Guy: About a parallel world in which Guy Richie can make good movies.
The Good Dinosaur: 208 films that I dinosa- Toilets. I forgot I’d already done that. Like how I forgot that joke about Still Alice.
Bridge of Spies: Convenient place to keep them.
Carol: The wrong type of Christmas Carol.
Victor Frankenstein: I’m just trying to clean up this hideous Franken-stain.
The Night Before: Almost called Before Night, a Richard Linklater film about Seth Rogen and JGL going for a long walk in the sunshine and digest loads of mushrooms.
Christmas With The Coopers: Where’s Krampus when you need him?
Krampus: Here he is!
By The Sea: Best place for all copies of this film would be in the sea.
Grandma: ily lily tomlin
Star Wars: The Force Awakens: It’s FN-2187ally out!
Tangerine: A Christmas comedy with balls.
Snoopy and Charlie Brown: The Peanuts Movie: Not worth a peanut/wasting the money you saved for winter’s Woodstock/having a Snoop-y
In The Heart of the Sea: See ‘By The Sea’. No! Sea ‘By The Sea’! Ha! Puns! Boy I’m sick of them. Seasick!
Sisters: Nothing like the Brian de Palma original.
Daddy’s Home: Regrettably. He beats me. But not any other comedies.
*This joke was stolen from a tweet by Telegraph critic Robbie Colin, but I’d like to see where I told you all the jokes were going to be original. I’ve written you over 200, for god’s sake, let me off on this one.
And that brings me to the end of the year! And about time too. It felt like it took me twelve months to write that bloody list. If you in any way enjoyed even one of those jokes, there’s a huge number of EVEN BETTER ONES all over the site here, not least in the Almost-Sort-Of-Best-Of-The-Year Podcast what we did last week. Anyway! I’m off to start preemptively writing jokes about all the films I’m going to see this year. Bye!
[For those interested (That’s none of you), my favourites from the list were Brooklyn, Whiplash, Inside Out, It Follows and Magic Mike XXL.]