Top 10 Things Donald Trump Actually, Really, Definitely Said

There are very few political figures who polarise people as much as real-life Donald Trump parody, Donald Trump. The real-estate mogul-turned-genuine presidential candidate has one of the biggest mouthes in US politics, which is to be expected, seeing as he is Sam the Eagle from the Muppets in human form. He has the ability to shock, to delude, and mostly to enthrall with his unique wit and narrow-minded wisdom. Sometimes, he says things that are almost agreeable. Sometimes, he says things that are greatly questionable. Sometimes he says he wants to do a sex all over his own daughter. But sometimes he goes too far. And when he goes too far, who better to be there to document it than the world’s best-loved political journal, Verbal Discharge? The following list is of ten things that Donald Trump actually, really, honestly, properly, definitely, certainly, undoubtedly, absolutely said. The ten times Donald Trump went too far.

1. “Reading books is blighting our kids. If we want them to be truly educated, we should throw them out in a jungle, and not speak to them until they’ve made their first million dollars, or been eaten by a lion.”

2. “That’s what you’ve got to know about women. They just can’t play billiards.”

3. “The great thing about the Die Hard franchise is that it just gets better and better with every installment.”

4. “America is the greatest country on Earth, but only because Russia is shit.”

5. “Obama might be funny, but he’s also black, so swings and roundabouts.”

6. “FIFA hasn’t been the same since they stopped letting you stick your striker right in front of a goal kick, meaning you could just stop the balls against your body and tap them in, like that Venezuelan prostitute.”

7. “When I’m president, I’ll introduce a tax for not owning a gun, and I will call it the Nancy Tax, and, until they buy a Dan Wesson M119 ACP pistol, anyone who has to pay it will have their name legally changed to Nancy [because I’m a big fan of Nancy Regan]. Lol.”

8. “Even I was moved by the end of Fast & Furious 7, and I cheered when I heard Paul Walker was dead.”

9. “Sometimes, when I have a bath, I get out after ten minutes to check if Obama’s published his birth certificate yet, then get back in later and am really disappointed all the bubbles have gone.”

10. “If they’ve got at least a D-Cup and a tight ass, I’ll hit that, unless they’ve got a tongue piercing or college education, in which case it’s just gross.”

Disclaimer: This is a joke. Donald Trump did not say any of these things. The problem is, he could have said every single one of them. Donald Trump is proof that satire will eat itself. You attempt to make up extremest Donald Trump quotes? He’ll say something even stupider right back. Donald Trump is the human equivalent of my gran’s Christmas cake: Rich, overstuffed, racist and impossible to digest in anything but the smallest of chunks. And this is the man who could, in twelve months time, be the most powerful individual in the free world. There comes a point where you have to stop laughing and do something about it. I mean, I’m from Britain, so the only thing I can do is to laugh. Laugh and hope someone’s listening. Laugh and pretend we’re not already in a violent, wealth-driven rut.

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